Reflections of a Convoluted Mind: A Journey with My Mental Illness

The sun is my joy and depression is the eclipse. It pales everything around it with the paint of darkness. It corners one into isolation and deceives those around it…An infant’s sleep was of content abandon and peaceful satiety. Infants have no care; no expectations demanded and cast upon them. I longed for this sleep so badly but could not make sense of this ominous longing. Contrary to the bright future that was forecasted for me, I could barely make it through the morning let alone face the day ahead. To think of the day ahead was a challenging enough task to consider executing. I could not think beyond moments, let alone scheduling and having to think about the weeks or months which lay before me. A feeling of dread encircled me like vultures waiting to converge towards a carcass.I felt tightly tied to my bed by invisible ropes composed of demotivation and unfounded, insurmountable exhaustion. I found it impossible to walk and reach the knob of my bedroom door which was a mere two metres away. Bathing was too high a demand and expectation, an impossible goal to accomplish. So I resided myself to lie in bed and not bath for successive days on end, disabled by feelings of defeat and failure due to the inability to achieve simple tasks.Dr Samke J. Ngcobo is a medical doctor who is based in Johannesburg. She is an author, philanthropist, professional speaker, and entrepreneur. She founded a non-profit organisation called Sisters For Mental Health and a company called Vocal Mentality (Pty)Ltd which focuses on psycho-educating the corporate community and community at large about mental illnesses and mental health.