In How the Moon Works, globally underappreciated author Matt Rowan, strives for literary greatness by teaching us all how exactly the moon works and fails heroically. He blames the establishment, claiming that this book is his way to make you all pay, but really he just hopes you buy multiple copies so he can get that new Schwinn for his kid.

These stories are, for the most part, manifestations of Rowan’s darkest fears. A product’s best feature is its ability to terrify. Children are subjected to cruel rites of passage in restaurants suspiciously resembling ShowBiz Pizza. A man believes his only chance at salvation is through the reluctant acquaintance of an elder. A tourist trap capitalizes on the perfect simulacrum of the world’s historical idols. Teenagers are reared to hate and kill an unknowable enemy at the urging of muppets. Coworkers willingly give up their humanity to act as unfeeling robots.

Does all that intrigue you enough to want to read How the Moon Works? Matt Rowan hopes so, though he is also satisfied knowing this book has served as an elaborate medium for working out some stuff.