The very first collection of Dear Cthulhu columns as everyone’s favorite monsters dishes advice and tried to help humanity in spite of itself, proving that Cthulhu’s advice can brighten even a dark day!

Dear Cthulhu,

My boyfriend Jim and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. Things have been going great. Jim tells me he loves me and I know I care for him a lot. Our making out has always been hot and heavy. Jim’s a great kisser, but lately, Jim’s been wanting to go beyond necking and petting. I’m just not sure I’m ready to give him my virginity. Jim says if I really love him I’ll make love to him. My mother always told me if a guy truly loved me, he’ll wait until I’m ready and not pressure me. My friends all think he’s really hot and I should do him. I’m the only one of my girlfriends still a virgin, although I have one gay guy friend who still is. What should I do?

-Confused Virgin in Vermont

Dear Confused,

Virginity is a sacred, beautiful thing and any man who would pressure you to destroy such a rare treasure is a cad you would be better off without. As for your so-called girlfriends, they sound like a bunch of twits. Remember, it is better to be a leader of men than a follower. The only one you should ever follow is of course Great Cthulhu. Speaking of which some followers… rather friends of mine are throwing a ritual sacrifice… um, I mean party shortly when the heavens align. How would you like to be the guest of honor? We would love to have you. Email me at [email protected]. And bring a dish to pass.

Dear Cthulhu,

I’ve slept with my Teddy every night since I was a little boy, even though my parents say I’m too old. I’m in kindergarten now. The other morning when I woke up, Teddy was gone. I looked everywhere but he disappeared. I think the monster in my closet ate Teddy, but Daddy says I’m wrong. Can you help me?

-Five in Freeport

Dear Five,

Yes, Cthulhu can help you. Your father is correct. The monster in your closet did not eat Teddy. It was the creature under your bed. And he is hungry again.