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After the sudden death of my father, at 9 years old, I found myself talking to strangers that wanted to help me stop feeling sad. I had never been around anyone who could explain coping. Through extensive therapy, I was immediately intrigued by how the mind worked. I was fascinated in trying to understand how I could manipulate my own negative thoughts and feelings. Learning how to make myself feel ok, safe. Finding out how resilient I was, opened up a whole new world for me. That didn’t have to be filled with anger or abuse. I gained control over myself and my thoughts. Which lead me to dive into any aspect of psychology I could. I wanted to absorb as much information I could to make myself a better sister, daughter, friend and eventually a mother. One month after turning 17 I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, Macie Dawn, the only thing I had done right thus far. Suddenly I had someone who couldn’t leave, who would love me no matter what. For the first time in my life I felt a whole different level of important. I was going to make sure she never felt the pain, sadness, emptiness and abandonment I felt. A life depended on me. Her father, Steven, treated me with kindness. I was 18, just had a baby my last year of high school, living with my fiance who is 6 years my senior, working in a nursing home. It was us 3 against the world. Steven made sure that her and I were protected, loved and well taken care of. Although he and I had a toxic relationship. This was our world, I was going to make our family worked. However, I soon realized I couldn’t fix Steven, I couldn’t control his inner demons, from war, from his father’s rejection, from drugs, alcohol. After an unsuccessful 90 day stay in a treatment facility, Steven was losing his battle with his demons. Then one year to the day after giving birth to our beautiful baby, Steven took his own life.
