Learning to co-parent requires practice and patience. Going through a divorce is difficult enough, but having to stay in a co-parenting relationship to raise your child provides multiple and unique challenges. You simply can’t walk away from your ex when you have a child to raise. Co-parenting-working cooperatively to raise your child with your ex-is a learned process with many pitfalls (and tribulations) along the way. Learning to communicate effectively is essential to the most important job you will ever have: raising your child together when you are no longer a family. With helpful examples and practical methods about fixing-and avoiding-conflicts, this book is a guide to help you to effectively co-parent with your ex after your relationship is over. Chapters in the book: Always. Business. Compassion. Discretion. Energy. Forgiveness. Golden. Honor. Important. Judgment. Kindness. Learn. Mistakes. Normalcy. Others. Professionalism. Question. Respond. Silence. Time. Unintentional. Vortex. Work. eXpectations. Yes. Zealous. Excerpt: J. Judgment. It’s easy to judge someone from afar, especially an ex. When they leave, you feel betrayed. When you leave, you feel resentful. When you look at the other person’s new life, your view is distorted by the lens of the old relationship. In fact, however, no one can never know what’s going on in someone else’s mind or house without talking to them. A great deal of co-parenting miscommunication comes from making assumptions and then judging the other person based on how you feel. But often those judgments and assumptions turn out to be untrue. Ask questions and really listen to the answers before you make up your mind about a situation. These difficult yet simple acts can help soften the hard lines we’ve drawn, leading divorced people to be better co-parents. Examples: Mom wants Jake to attend private school. Dad wants Jake to attend public school. Mom is willing to pay the entire bill for private school, but Dad thinks it’s an attempt to show that he isn’t paying his part. Mom explains that her father, who is now very ill, has set up a special fund to pay for Jake’s education, including private school. Dad replies that while understands this is a generous gift from a grandparent, he is worried that Jake will know he’s not paying toward it, and that makes him feel like an inadequate parent. Dad drops Jake off in a new-to-him car. Mom is fuming because she feels that she doesn’t receive enough financial support, but here he is with a new expensive item. The next time they are at one of Jake’s soccer games, Mom makes a negative comment to Jake about Dad’s new car. In the first scenario, Mom and Dad need to take a step back to discuss that this decision is about the type of education they want to give their son, not where the money will come from. Mom can reduce the sense of judgment by reminding Dad that she’s not paying either; the money is from a fund set up for this purpose. If the mutual answer is that private school is the best option, they can both tell Jake that he’ll be attending private school without mentioning how it will be paid for. If he asks, they can agree to tell him that they only have his best education as their concern, and there is the money to pay for this. In the second scenario, Dad reminds Mom that his father recently died, and it was left to him in his will. He had been close with his father, and he tells her the car reminds him each day of his father. He adds that it allows him to share an important part of his dad with Jake. Reducing or removing judgments when discussing a sensitive subject will help both parents come to an understanding of the situation and aid in making a mutually agreeable resolution. Passing judgment without knowing the full story leads to unnecessary and unfounded angst within ourselves and with our co-parents.
