The aftermath of murder would continue to baffle me at some times and bring me to the depths of pain at other times over the years. I had to deal with distance in the family, divorce, and the loss of friendships, where people drifted away due to the inability to cope with the reality of murder. Then there were my own physical limitations to consider as I went through it all. I found that I had a need to be with other survivors and had a strong connection to other mothers who had lost children. All of this made me feel less alone in all that I was going through. Recovery does not start at the same place and neither do the stages of grief. I have had to speak openly and freely to not feel ignored in coming to grips with myself in being able to understand my own grief. I know now that murder does not just happen to other people. I had an intense need to talk about it, but I found that I could not talk about it to everyone.