How to be an Ex-Footballer

The only thing more ridiculous than a professional footballer is an ex-professional footballer… the eagerly awaited new book from the bestselling phenomenon

The funniest man in British sport - Metro

Peter Crouch is a comedy genius - Daily Mail

Often recruited before they’ve worn long trousers, today’s footballers become superstars earning huge amounts without ever learning much about the world beyond the training ground. Coddled by their support teams, everything is done for them. They live their lives in the glaring media spotlight, yet only really develop one life skill - how to kick a ball better. Then inevitably, when age catches up with them or injury strikes, these man-children are thrown out into the real world, utterly defenceless apart from their multi-million-pound bank accounts.

So what do these Peter Pans, whose careers end just as most people’s are getting going, do with the rest of their lives? Crouch speaks from his own experience and discusses with fellow former professionals too - just how do you safely release a near 7-foot striker back into the wild?

Peter goes in search of the answer to what his second career might be and encounters stories far more bizarre than anything you’ll find on the pitch. From asking Stevie G about the pleasure and pain of management, to Neil Ruddock’s tips on not going to seed. From those staying in the sport - the diehard veterans, coaches, managers, owners and of course the legion of pundits, to those moving on to pastures new - entrepreneurs, men of the cloth, eco warriors, artists, private detectives, ride pimps, wannabe politicians and budding actors, to the many who lose their way in addiction, crime and NFTs.

When the final whistle blows, it’s still all to play for.