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First off, I feel that for this work in particular, it is vitally important that I explain what this book is and why I chose to write it at this time in my life. Growing up as a person with bipolar disorder, I developed an extreme fear of my emotions. They controlled me. They drove me into a solitary despair. Thankfully, many people helped me over the years.
I decided to write this book after taking a dialectical behavioral therapy program at a nearby hospital. They taught me ways to shock myself out of emotions so I could calm down and look at the world on more levelheaded terms. And so I decided. I decided that I would write a book of my words when in the depths of despair, joy, ecstasy, or any other of this world’s wild flavors. The only reason I could do this was because of all the help from my doctors, friends, family, DBT, and all the skills I have learned. This is the first time I felt like I could feel emotion without the impending fear of falling apart.
I specifically wrote all these poems while I was in the depths of these emotions. I only wrote in ink, and I almost always have a journal on hand. The handwriting (while nearly illegible) is meant to be a direct connection to the tactile feelings I had as I was writing the work. Whether crisp jolts of print or slurred loops of cursive, the writing was meant to be a demonstration of my emotion.
However, I also want to say this is not the end. I am already in the process of writing three more explorations of my psyche. They should be on the way within the next year or so. When reading these poems, remember that these are not necessarily who I am. This book was an exploration into the worlds of emotion, a subject that I wish to cover in the future, but not exclusively. The poems are all based around specific trains of thought or emotions. While these thoughts and feelings are definitely a part of me, they tend to change constantly and are always free-flowing. I think, first and foremost, I am a student. I want to learn as much as I can about this world before I die and to use this knowledge as a light to others like me.
