The Funniest Things Ever Said, New and Expanded

Here are1,237 laugh-out-loud quotes, quips, and jokes, all in one packed-to-the-brim volume. Yes, folks, sit back and enjoy this collection of inadvertent gaffes, thigh-slappers, puns, and everything and anything else that’ll tickle your funny bone. There’s something old, something new, something stolen, and something blue-from favorite comedians, sports and political figures, and literary wits. There are even giggles for the kids and groaners for the grown-ups. Just a few among the 1,237 funniest things ever said:

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner

I don’t know if it’s good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto. -Yogi Berra on being told that Joe DiMaggio was to marry Marilyn Monroe

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died. -Malcolm Forbes

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then, after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’ -Bill Maher