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Things Church Girls Don’t Talk About is a comical, yet poignant, story of a young church girl and her mother in search of true faith amidst a sea of toxic religion and eccentric Southern characters. Meet Mama Careen whose sass gets her into trouble when she announces her husband’s adultery at his surprise birthday party. Enjoy the antics of her sister, Justine, who gets tipsy and does a “tell off” to her brother-in-law’s bow-legged mistress at his funeral. Sympathize with Maggie as she tries to forgive and forget her cold, Irish father. Scoff at the narcissism of Jimmy Ray, a quirky preacher with a PH.D-a Pentecostal Hair Do. If you have a bone to pick with religion, or even if you don’t, you will be wooed by this charming and powerful tale of how mercy triumphs over judgment.
Excerpts from THINGS CHURCH GIRLS DON’T TALK ABOUT…
Maggie McBride on Southern sayings:
..“.and for your information, a Southern woman can say anything about anyone no matter how cutting or evil if she just follows it up with ‘bless her heart, ’ or something similar.”
“Don’t go repeating this, but Mrs. Johnson’s loose daughters, Babs and Lola, became Porn whores-bless their hearts.”
“Violet’s thighs looked like a tub full of cottage cheese in that bathing suit-bless her heart.”
“Mrs. Murphy’s lusty cousins, Beebe and Hortence, are both living in sin-bless their hearts.”
I think you get the point.
**********
Careen McBride and her unique, attention seeking suicide note:
Dearest Martin,
Night and day, I have been down on my knees praying to God that you would leave that butt-ugly Ellen woman and come back to me and Maggie. But no, my prayers did nothing but hit the ceiling. You are still with that home wrecker who is not worth the bullets it would take to blow her brains out. Since you’ve been gone, I feel that there is nothing left for me to live for and I might as well just go to be with our dear Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. In the event that I get up my nerve and decide to take my life, send our Maggie to live with my rich sister, Justine, if you and your bow-legged bitch don’t want her. That way, at least one of us can live in Mountain Brook.
Sincerely,
Careen
