Ordinary Beauty

My name is Sayre Bellavia, and for seventeen years my mother’s loved her addiction more than she’s loved me. More than she’s even likedme, actually, because I’m the one who ruined her life. Her words, not mine. So I learned a long time ago how to lay low and act like I want nothing, expect nothing and hope for nothing so I don’t become more trouble than I’m worth, because I guess I’m pretty easy to abandon. And neglect, and betray. My mother says I should take what I get and be satisfied, but what I get is nothing, and what I want is everything: To be safe and loved, to have a real home and a father and a last name that’s connected to someone, somewhere. I want to know if my mother ever thinks about Beale and Ellie and that terrible, beautiful year we were happy. I want to know if she ever loved me, even for just one second, and if after all the pain and tragedy her addiction has cost us, if I even still love her, and so I will fight my way back to her, crossing all our boundaries and resurrecting the forbidden until I find out because if I don’t the wail inside me will never end, and then history is bound to repeat itself.

And God, I don’t want to be her.

I want a future.