Brother Gardner’s Lime-Kiln Club: Being the Regular Proceedings of the Regular Club (1882)

PREFACE. IT is not any ways probable that the production of this work will add anything to the general happiness of the world and the purchaser must not hold me responsible if his crops fail or his lottery ticket hits a blank. It has become quite fashionable to write and publish books. They are handy to box the children s ears with are good property to lend to your neighbors and when the baby has torn the covers off, they can be worn as chest-protectors and liver-pads. The only thing I warrant about this book is that it contains no vege table poisons, and will not explode when handled by innocent children. Affectionately, THE AUTHOR. CONTENTS. About Art … 114 About Kind Words 145 About Liars 99 About Progress 128 Agriculture All a Sham 40, 147 52 As You Find Him 152 A Champion A Divorce 61 A Few Reflexhuns 60 A Generous Offer 81 A Great Gain 143 A Heathen Body A Narrow Escape A Painful Report A Statesman s Descent 68 A Word to Cranks 242 Banks and Wood Piles 219 Beauties of the Ballot 256 Beyond theVale 199 Bouncing Brudder Scott 25 Brudder Howker 295 Can t See Why.. Champion Poets Cussin De Times . 289 Cum Down 65 De Circus De Comet De Comin Power . 98 Pe Good Ole Days 120 282 79 91 47 36 133 179 74 viii Contents. De Good Man 126 De Goneness 112 De Sun Do Move 251 Death s Grip 56 Dread Scott Decision 142 Endin Up 162 First Annual Election 17 Guess Not 83 Having Fun 66 He Had a Pucker How Uncle Pete Died 29 122 Human Nature 103 It Doan Pay 150 It Must Be Crushed 49 It Pays To Be Good 291 Judge Cadaver 89 Junius Henri Bates 192 Killwilliam Smith 84 Let Em Divorce 233 Mary Jane s Petishun 203 More Baseness 108 Missing 187 Nine Horses and a Dog 209 No Lunatics Present 267 No Sore HeelRelief 2i3 None o Your Business 129 Not a Congreshunal Body 22 On Terms 154 On the Fence 174 On De Wait 34 Only Sons, a Protest 139 Prof. Artichoke Huggins 286 Sartin People 157 Serene Toots 107 Silent Sorrows 95 SignquotXquot Some New Proverbs 24 Some Observations 134 Some Valuable Relics Something Was . . Up 158 234 229 Contents. ix Striking De Average 35 The Amende Honorable 147 The Airy Perkins 118 The Case of Smith 166 The Honest Man 30 The Hon. Solo Bomby 46 The Hon. Standoff 44 The Influence of Music 278 The Lawyers 273 The Only Reliable 224 The Revised 105 Thanks and Modesty . 206 That Strange Nigger 75 Their Dander Riz 39 To Patriots 261 Trapping a Hyena 271 Valuable Time 169 Washington s Camp Chair 212 Whistled Fur His Dog 53