Melanges Helvetiques Des Annees 1787-1790 (1791)

Shreds of memory, an odyssey that lurched him from pedophilia to impotence; homosexuality to fleeting moments of himself. After his fourth depression, he relented to shemale fantasy. His mind could not accept the traditional gay in him. But sleep did not come. His denial was more than he was able to handle. He had already succumbed to antidepressants. He negated sexual needs to his body, and the latter rebelled. God was punishing him, he thought. He wanted to wash this curse and gain a place beside God’s throne. He decided to become a self-destroyer, taking innocent lives destiny brought on his path. He wanted to rationalize the sin of a premeditated suicide, to become a kamikaze.