This was now the second time that I’d felt cast to the side by the woman that I so desperately wanted to be with. I knew I wasn’t perfect, by any means, but damn… did I deserve this? I didn’t know what to do but run away. I felt unwanted and unwelcomed. I remembered feeling so abandoned when my mother would come home on her drunken rants and decide to put me out. Not before she fought me like I was someone on the street, though. I would find myself walking, sometimes at 3 or 4 in the morning, alone, aimlessly in the dark. Before long, I just started leaving on my own. Occasionally, my honorary Godparents would let me sleep over at their house. They were like family to me. Their daughter, Emily, and I were best friends in middle and high school, and they took me in and picked up where my parents lacked. Godfather or Paw as I affectionately called him, had connections in the music industry. He took me under his wing and started managing my early music career. He got me all kinds of studio and showed work when I was just a teenager. He believed in me and my talent, but aside from that, he cared about me like one of his kids. I thought of him much like a dad as well. He was kind but protective, the way I felt a dad should be. I remember staying the night at their house and my sperm donor calling there to talk to me. I was stunned at what he had to say. He accused me of sleeping with my 40-year-old Godfather. I was floored and hurt. I couldn’t understand at the time how he could even fathom such a thought about his fourteen-year-old daughter. But then this was the same man who had performed sexual acts with me, his daughter. Paw was always straight up with all of us kids, but never inappropriate. He loved us all like his own. Maybe my dad was just jealous of our relationship. I was appalled that HE would always say the foul shit to me. He’d say explicit, inappropriate things that a father should never say to his child. I remember coming home from school one day when I was in fifth grade. Some rude boy had said to me and another girl that he wanted us to suck him up. I ran home to my father upset and crying. I told him what that ingrate said to me, and he erupted in laughter. He said don’t worry. One day you’ll step up to the mic and give your BEST performance. I didn’t even know what that meant at the time, but the mere fact that he’d laughed when I was so hurt was enough to break me down. I cried incessantly. I was shocked at his reaction. I wanted him to go to that school and snap that boy’s neck! I wanted him to defend and protect me. Instead, he broke my heart before any nigga had a chance to. Maybe that’s why I never really attached feelings to any man. In my mind, none of them could ever be trusted.
