Once, John Irish was a legend in the porn industry, partying with the likes of John Holmes, Peter North, Nina Hartley, and Seka, but now he’s on the far side of fifty, and Ron Jeremy won’t even return his phone calls. Desperate for any kind of paying work, he’s sunk to the level of bit roles in grade-Z porn and is even considering applying to work at Wal-Mart, when hot-blooded starlet Mindy Copperhead comes into his life. He quickly discovers she’s far more than a simple blowjob artist, but is in fact an advance scout for a distant alien race, sent to Earth to find…him. Her race is embroiled in an interstellar war and losing badly. Her Queen became enamored with a movie in which John appeared, called Starfucker, and sent her scout to find him and bring him back to her, ostensibly to help her repopulate their dying planet. Thus John finds himself mixed up in a crazy, sexy adventure which makes even the most gonzo porn seem tame by comparison. In a civilization where skills can be learned via injections, danger lurks around every corner, and intrigue is as common as breakfast, John must get to the bottom of the mystery behind the war, as long as it doesn’t kill him first, or at least break a hip. You’ll have a really hard time selling this one. –J.A. Kazimer, author of Curses! A F—ked-Up Fairy Tale Really, Ian, I thought we raised you better than this. –E. Colcannon, the author’s mother I would whole-heartedly give this book my highest recommendation, if I weren’t, in fact, dead. –The Spirit of Douglas Adams, contacted via seance, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy How did you get this number? Stop calling me! I sold it all to Disney already! –George Lucas