When the dust settled, a childless mother, found herself carrying the burdens of memories and mistakes. I had been saying that I wanted to write a book detailing the short life and tragic death of an angel that I had the pleasure of birthing. He lived twenty-seven short days, so I thought I would highlight and reflect on every day of life in each chapter. I would finish by bringing awareness to the disease that claimed the life of my young soldier. A disease I had never heard of - Necrotizing Enterocolitis Totalis. I would also speak on the importance of a healthy pregnancy, the importance of not smoking/ drinking, and avoiding domestic violence at all costs. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. He should be here giving his other brothers a tough time. However, he is not! Nothing but bittersweet memories remains. I feel robbed. I yearn for an understanding. What good is closure when it will never bring back what was lost? Can you still be called a mother when your child is no longer here, and your actions and non-actions are the reason they are gone? In this book, I will reveal intimate details that will give the reader an understanding as to why things went the way they did and why Mekhi had to go. Since his death I have gone through periods of darkness and self-destruction. I do blame myself so quite naturally I struggle with guilt and depression. I cannot help but wonder if my Peanut blames me for his death as much as I do and if he could forgive me. How does someone beg for forgiveness over a situation that was self-inflicted? The saying is so cliche, but if I had known then what I know now, I would have done things differently. I WOULD HAVE, I SWEAR I WOULD HAVE! The only thing that brings me peace is writing all my memories of my son. One lesson to take from this tragedy; when God is trying to get your attention, he will use and remove loved ones to get it.
