People frequently come to therapy and coaching believing that they are broken. They have been told this by parents, friends, family, partners, teachers, and finally therapists, counsellors and doctors. Caregivers, partners, well-meaning people tell them they feel these things, they make these awful choices, or they have these negative experiences because they are broken. Over the past 33 years, I have worked with thousands of people and the vast majority of them don’t have something wrong with them. They are just missing skills. I will say this again so it sinks in:

You are not broken. You are missing skills.

This book is made up of education about the skills, examples from my life and the life of my clients, and step-by-step plans to learn some of the skills complete with exercises.

Why are these skills so important?

When a person lacks these skills, it sets them up to experience more difficult situations throughout their lives. I have dedicated a chapter to the results of gaslighting in all its forms because this abusive behaviour robs people of some of the most essential skills and sets them up for emotional abuse, intimate partner violence, rape, sexual violence, and physical abuse/assault later in life. Emotional, coping and relationship skills make it possible for us to integrate well with others, keep a solid sense of self and self-worth and create and maintain relationships that bring all parties joy.