Why are shoemakers always poor? Where is the elf shoemaking school? Where is the celestial leather factory? How extensive is their inventory? These days, do they ship via FedEx? ElfEx? Who decides how much of which leather goes to a certain shoemaker? Is it determined on shoemaker piety and time wasted preaching the gospel to the local heathen? Why not send some gratis leather to me, a Mennonite heathen, once in a while? The author has no clue about the answers to the above, yet the reader is invited to ruminate on these matters of great pitch and moment. However, the author fearlessly forges ahead with the account of where Henry, King of England, the eighth by that title, needs boots RFN (right f--g now!) and how the matter is resolved.